fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
