dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
