if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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