We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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