Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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