I accidentally burped into my bong.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
