yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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