yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
