Don't make out with my wife yet
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
