I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
