Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
