I skipped work to stalk him.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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