the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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