sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
