I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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