Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
