It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
