I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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