boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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