You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
