In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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