Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize