I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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