Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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