I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
