I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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