Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we're making bets on your personal life
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize