yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
