I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
