We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My liver just had a heart attack.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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