the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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