well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
