I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
