Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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