My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
