This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
