my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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