when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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