i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
