new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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