So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize