it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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