Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
