i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You ate ashes out of my bong
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
