I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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