I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She bit a glass in half.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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