This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
