when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
