Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
