You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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