I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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