apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
