Where is the hickey?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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