Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
