Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
