i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
zippers are such a cool invention
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
