If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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