i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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