she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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