I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
