My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
