you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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