I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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