im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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